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The One where I won’t wear a dress

Now it’s common culture to wear dresses when girls go to a party. As a normal 20-year old, I am expected to follow the same convention. Except, I hate dresses. Here’s a few reasons why:

  1. They are one piece of clothing but cost as much as four. For the cost of one Zara dress, I could buy enough normal jeans to last me 5 years.
  2. They flow. You aren’t a snake. Stop slithering all around my body. They make dresses of such silky material it feels like I’m getting washed in silk.
  3. They need hella care. You can’t sit, you can’t run, you can’t climb, you can’t live in dresses. You constantly need to make sure you look regal and classy and lady-like. And when you’re a tomboy like me, its impossible.
  4. They need accessories. Like it wasn’t enough I had to sell a kidney to buy the dress, I now need to invest in accessories. And because I have no fashion sense, I’ll probably end up wearing 10 necklaces and looking like Cleopatra. Is that a thing now?
  5. Go hairless. Because waxing my hands isn’t enough torture, I need to inflict it upon my legs as well. Or else look like the lower half of a gorilla attached to the upper half of a mannequin.
  6. Deception. Because when I saw the dress on the website, it did not look like a potato wrapped in silk. And now I have nothing to wear because being the optimist I am, I expected to turn into a size 2 from size 22 when I wore that dress.
  7. Buy once, wear once. Dresses destroy the concept of recycling. Once you’ve worn a dress to one event, you need to make sure no one from that event ever sees you in that same dress ever again at any other event on any social media. Because otherwise you look poor. The fact that you sold a kidney to get that dress doesn’t matter. You only wear a dress one time.
  8. She’s wearing the same dress. 5 words a girl will never want to hear at a party. It doesn’t make sense that you sell your kidney to buy a dress and someone else sells theirs to get the very same dress. Nullifies having just one kidney now. And if there’s one thing girls hate more than other girls wearing the same dresses, it’s when the other girl looks prettier. Doesn’t seem fair that I look like a potato wrapped in silk while she looks like the new Barbie model.

All things said, dresses are pretty and costly and uncomfortable and weird but some people like them all the same. I don’t, obviously, but some do. They do make us look prettier but I’d rather be able to run and do cartwheels than sit cross-legged in a Chanel. Now please tell me Chanel does have dresses and not just shoes. Or was it perfume?

Forget it I’m out.

Love,

EllieB.

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