The One with the Dog Advert

Instead of making all the mushy posts about why a dog is extremely important in a person’s life, I decided to go a quirkier way. So, I’ve made up a catalogue, advertising dogs, not that they need to be advertised, have you even seen them? One look and I’m sold.

Anyway, here are the top ten features that dogs possess and if you feel that you might want to access a particular feature, go ahead, get a dog. But remember, don’t shop, adopt.

1. Personal welcome home system:
Your family may or may not be pleased to see your face everyday, but your dog sure will be. It doesn’t matter if you come back after just throwing the trash out, or after a week long vacation, your dog will still consider you to have returned after a millenia, and there’s nothing better than seeing a huge furry mass of 30 kg come racing towards you at 100 kmph, with the tail wagging fast enough to make you dizzy.
P.S. This feature is activated by default for all visitors in a dog’s home, so modifications need to be made by the owner so that unsuspecting guests are not given heart attacks.

2. Personal waste disposal system:
Forget ever needing a dustbin again. Your dog can serve as your very own portable dustbin. Anything from paper to cookie crumbs to chicken bones can be digested, and sometimes unfortunately regurgitated (hey even the best machines can malfunction sometimes), on a daily basis. Best of all, you don’t even need to walk to the dustbin because it will follow you everywhere.
P.S. Waste disposal of the waste disposal system needs to be taken care of by the owner.

3. Personal security system:
If you’re living alone, or even with a family, you can now always catch a good night’s sleep, because your four-legged friend is always watching over you. It could be the visitors to your next-door neighbour, the postman, or simply someone dropping a nail in the flat above you, your dog does not underestimate any threat, and will warn you, giving you ample time to arm yourself. No one from the mailman to the food delivery guy will be spared the extensive security check which will consist of barking at 100 dB for atleast 10 minutes while ignoring all commands to shut up.
P.S. It is recommended to modify this setting so that the dog may calm down on hearing a command.

4. Personal horror movie experience:
Since we are talking about barking at 100 dB, this feature is made even more enjoyable when it occurs at 2 a.m. for no particular reason. Your dog may feel inclined to bark at empty doorways or at blank walls between the sinister hours of 2-4 a.m., making you sweat and start chanting the Hanuman chalisa, and if you watch Supernatural, emptying the salt bottle all over the doorway.
P.S. To get full benefit of this feature, please test it while watching a horror movie in which dogs can sense paranormal activities, example, The Conjuring.

5. Personal electric blanket:
Let’s get a bit cosy, after that slightly terrifying feature. Your dog can act as your very own, cheap, portable, and sustainable electric blanket during winters. They are capable of keeping you warm all night, do not require to be plugged in, and as bonus points, also teach you survival skills because they will stealthily occupy the entire bed and leave you hanging on the edges.
P.S. Overuse of this feature may compel your dog to display this feature even during summers which may be a bit tiresome.

6. Personal sanitiser and face wash:
You never need to worry about washing your face or hands after a meal, your dog will only be too happy to do so. They never run out of saliva, do not miss a single bit of food, and will always be eager to provide this service.
P.S. It may not be very hygienic, in fact, germophobics may well not use this feature.

7. Personal diet buddy:
If you ever want to lose weight, and need someone to help you through it, do not worry. This feature is activated by default in all dogs. Whenever you sit down for a meal, your dog will activate the ‘puppy-dog eyes‘ feature, which will compel you to give atleast half your meal to him.
Side effects: Your dog may gain weight while you lose it. This will help in our next feature.
P.S. While surrendering to your dog, please note not all human foods are suitable for them.

8. Personal fitness system:
Do not worry about wasting money on gyms anymore. Your dog can also act as your fitness buddy. While you surrender to puppy eyes and make your dog fat, you can also keep him and yourself fit by early morning or/and evening jogs. You will also be kept fit by having to chase him around the house whenever he runs away with something important.  You can also increase upper body strength by trying to control your dog when he lunges at other dogs, butterflies, humans and every moving thing during walks.
P.S. It is recommended to use a leash and/or collar during walks to ensure loss of your dog does not occur. In case of a run-away situation, try calling the dog by it’s name in a commanding voice and offer treats.

9. Personal portable shredder:
Your dog is equipped with canine teeth and sharp paws to help you shred everything from paper to door mats. You also do not need to manually empty this shredder, it does that itself.
P.S. this shredder may sometimes over enthusiastically shred objects which did not need to be shredded like brand new doormats or important documents. Genetics cannot be held responsible.

10.  Personal therapist:
Your dog can now replace ice cream, chocolate, therapy sessions, etc. Thy come equipped with an empathy sensor, which enables them to snuggle up to you and console you with licks and nudges and tail wags whenever you may be sad or lonely.
P.S. This sensor might sometimes malfunction and cause your dog to display the above therapy even in normal situations but we have never got a complaint for that.

Bonus feature:
Personal teacher:

Your dog is equipped to teach you everything that college doesn’t, i.e. all the important things. They can teach you to be happy every time someone enters your life, to look at every day like a new opportunity, to be happy in simple nature walks, to express joy at every little thing, to not care about other’s opinions, even if they consider you insane, to eat whatever you want, to not think about the future and live in the moment, and lastly, to love unconditionally and show the people you love how much you love them, irrespective about what others might think of you.

These are the top 10 features your dog possesses. There are many more hidden features and quirks that are specially made in every individual dog. Adopt yours to find their hidden qualities today!

World For All is an NGO based in Mumbai. They rescue stray animals, not just dogs. If this article did wonders and you are inspired to adopt one, do visit the link below and save a life.
You can also donate, foster or volunteer and help get stray animals off the streets and in good homes.

world for all ngo

P.S. Dogs cannot be held responsible for being too loving or too adorable. It is recommended to not fall completely in love with them, although 100% of all owners have failed to heed this warning.

Love,
EllieB.

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