It’s been more than a month since I last wrote, and all thanks to 1000 “mini” projects and 20000 assignments. The best part was of course all these projects were group projects and so I had to do the worst thing I have ever done in my life. Talk to people.
There is nothing more frustrating than a group project, being forced to interact with more people and having to act like you care (for an anti-social psychopath like me). And if you’ve ever had the misfortune to work in one yourself, you may have come across these groups of people that I decided to classify them into.
1. Invisible man
This superhero appears only at the end of the project to share credit for his important contribution of never contributing. You might not even know that he is in your group until you’re standing in front of the teacher and suddenly it’s a group of 5 instead of 4.
2. Yes man
This superhero has a unique superpower of never saying no. So no matter what idea you give him, he will say yes, and you could as well ask him to kill Invisible man. He will do assigned work, but nothing more, nothing less.
3. Boss man
This superhero’s superpower is to presume the role of the leader in the group, whether or not it’s needed. Now Boss man could be the hero or the villian. He could get work done AND set example by contributing and giving ideas, or Boss man could simply sit and boss people around. Fortunately, you might have got hero Boss man to deal with. If you’ve got the Kim Jong-un kind, assassinate him (I hope no one in North Korea reads this).
4. Snatcher man
No he doesn’t snatch chains. He snatches credit. So please feel free to stay up till 4 am making reports and charts and all other crazy things Microsoft Word allows you to create, and the next day Snatcher man will talk to the teacher in such a way that she’ll be convinced not only did he make the entire project, but was also single-handedly responsible for landing man on the moon, creating pizza and all other note-worthy achievements of humankind.
5. Maggi man
No, he does not provide free instant noodles. I wish. This superhero is the one who tells you he’ll be sending you his contribution ranging from a letter to the entire report in 2 minutes, and 10 hours later, you will still not have got an e-mail. Really helpful when you need to submit it in 5 minutes and the e-mail is still getting encrypted and sent from his end.
6. Excuse man
This superhero could write a book titled ‘1000 excuses to fool friends and family because obviously they’re all idiots‘. The slightest job given to this person
could, definitely would result in catastrophe. So don’t hand them any important jobs like writing the report, formatting the report, printing the report, submitting the report, oh, I covered everything. Oops. If all his excuses came true, he would be the unluckiest person on earth, because when he had to write the report, he ran out of pages, when he had to format it, the computer broke down, when he had to print it, the printer ran out of ink, and when he had to submit it, he broke a leg. And of course he could only inform you the day of the submission so now you can tear your hair out in frustration.
7. Picasso man
This person could be an artist, because their ideas are so creative and complex, no one but they can understand it. This person is extremely creative, and will have a lot of ideas, but unfortunately either they’ll be completely flying off the real topic, or the idea will be so complex, it would require 10 rocket scientists from NASA to make sense of it. The only thing you can do is hand them a part of the project and hope they make it according to human specifications.
8. Pizza man
Because pizza is perfect. And so is this only other sane person in your group who is on the same page as you while the rest are still searching for the book. This person will contribute equally, come up with new ideas, finish their part by due time, and cry with you over the rest of the group and your bad luck.
9. Hitler man
There might be this one person in your group who none of you can tolerate. In fact, if you could, you would probably wage a world war against them, simply to have an excuse to beat them up. Reasons could range from no contributions to over-enthusiastic ideas, or maybe the person simply fought with you in first-grade, but the entire team eyes him the way you eye that one person in class who reminds the teacher of the assignment – you would throw them out if you could, but you can’t, so deal with it.
10. Stress man
This superhero is capable of freaking out and freaking everyone else out over a project that is for 5 marks. This person reacts to the smallest change like an atom bomb, and for him, this project is no smaller than sending a man to Mars. This person will spend sleepless nights, 1000 cups of coffee, call you at odd hours to discuss subsection 18.104.22.168 of section 3.3.3. of part 3.3 under topic 3 because maybe this one added line will make a lot more sense, and all you want to do is scream your lungs out over the phone “CHILL IT’S STILL A WEEK AWAY” but you can’t because it’s 3 am.
So these are all the types of people you would have the misfortune/fortune to work with. If you’re someone who’s got an entire group of Pizza men, then please do not ever talk about that because I just might start crying.
Just kidding. Group projects teach you a lot of things. Like why Batman prefers to work alone.
Just kidding. Not really.
Just kidding, seriously though. Some group projects have been fun, and we managed to miss the deadline by just a day, while others are the reason I no longer trust people.
Disclaimer : Not based on true events. Atleast not all of it. If you’d like to flatter yourself by thinking that I wrote a particular type based on you, then please be offended/honoured at your own risk.
Disclaimer 2.0 : I am not sexist. All genders used were male simply because I’m typing on a mobile phone and man requires less effort than woman. Feel free to convert the entire thing to female and send it back to me if you’d want to take all those efforts.
Until the next time I contemplate jumping off a cliff,