If there is anything worse than giving examinations, it is seeing the results. Like every normal person, the word ‘results’ makes my heart skip a beat, and for a second wonder if it should even bother beating again. Results in India are always over-hyped, whether they be unit tests or blood tests. However, just as there are 5 stages of dealing with grief, there are also 5 stages when it comes to dealing with your results. Now this isn’t the Kübler-Ross model, but an adapted version of the same.
Disclaimer : This is not meant to be insensitive to people coping with grief or loss. This is a humor and sarcasm blog. Or at least it tries to be.
Stage 1 : Denial
Accept it. Whenever you hear ‘Results are out’, the first thing you think is ‘Please, good God, let this be a joke.‘ Followed by ‘It’s too soon.’ And ‘We just finished exams what is the university playing at?’ Until you see those white death sentences up on the notice board, you refuse to believe it’s true. Maybe this is just a nightmare and you’ll wake up and there will still be 3 weeks of glorious stress-free vacations left. God wouldn’t do this to you. He’s a good guy. Or She. He/She loves all humans, He/She wouldn’t torture you so.
‘Nope. Just another college rumor. Not happening.’
‘College hasn’t even started yet no way results are out.’
‘No way the teachers actually checked every paper so fast. They take days to check a 3 page assignment.’
Stage 1.5 : Self-Denial
Now this denial isn’t about the results. It’s about your performance. Stage 1.5 isn’t any better. You tend to forget details over lengthy periods of time, the details often being how you forgot to study for every one of those tests.
‘I mean, come on, they weren’t that bad.’
‘I should score at least 70%.’
‘Okay, fine, there was one bad paper. But I pretty much aced all the rest.’
‘Fine maybe I’ll just about pass in, like, two out of five, but I’d better top the remaining three.’
Stage 2 : Anger
Stage 2 strikes when you’ve managed to find your result from that long list of jumbled names and numbers. You have prayed to every deity that exists and even to ones who may exist in the future to jumble those numbers in your favor. But you see your name, finger trying to stay on the same line as you slide past nonsensical digits, to find that one that matters. 6.8/10. Not as good as you’d hoped. And now each of those deities, who you wasted seconds on by praying to, has to face your wrath. Also, the teachers, examiners, evaluators, university, society, the world, and of course, every one who’s higher up on that list than you.
‘This isn’t fair, WTF, how did SHE get more than me?!’
‘Oh come on, I studied all week for this test!’
‘Seriously, 6.8? *Looks skyward* 6.8?! Might as well have given me a 4.0 WHAT GOOD IS THIS?!’
‘#@$!@ this @%#@ I am done with studying. This is it. NO MORE. I QUIT!’
Stage 3 : Bargaining
You start tracing those nonsensical digits again. Can one of them be wrong? Should you get them re-evaluated? You did study hard, it seems impossible that this happened. Could said deities possibly be playing a joke? So you start striking imaginary bargains.
‘Maybe if I just study harder this semester, I could raise my CGPA so high this would get nullified. (LOL)’
‘Maybe if I give this one paper in for re-evaluation it would change the result drastically.’
‘Maybe I just looked at the wrong person’s result. I should definitely look another 15 times, just to be sure.’
‘Maybe if I pray to ALL the Gods they’ll miraculously change the result tomorrow.’
Stage 4 : Depression
You keep looking at those numbers. And reality sets in. You did not study. You did not work hard enough. You slept through the prep leave. You watched movies when you should have been studying. You deserved this. Maybe even less. Maybe even this is a miracle.
‘I deserved to have failed all these.’
‘Maybe I wasn’t cut out for this after all.’
‘Is it too late now to switch careers?’
‘Mom’s going to go full taunt mode.’
Stage 5 : Acceptance
Usually triggered when you find a friend has scored even less. Because let’s face it, we are sadistic people and everyone has watched 3 Idiots to know that’s true. And so even though you haven’t scored as much as you expected to, it’s not that bad. It could have been worse. At least you passed. And after all, it is just an exam. Failed one today, will pass one tomorrow.
‘Well, this is bad but so what? Next semester is always there. (LOL)’
‘Could have been worse.’
‘There’s only so many taunts Mom knows.’
‘Well he got less than me, so there’s that.’
And so there it is. Five stages we all go through when coping with results. Hopefully there will come a day when we will no longer have to fear these evil monsters risen from the depths of hell, but until then, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross help us.
Until then, comment below with your best ways on coping with results (other than drowning in alcohol) to help out your fellow-sufferers.